A Monologue

“Fro Yo”
by Cody Schuyler
[Lights up on a lonely cup of frozen yogurt with “googly” eyes, centre stage.]

FroYo: You should be ashamed. [Pause. The tension is tangible.] Don’t look away! Hey I’m talking to you, yes you! You sit there pretending i’m not delicious, but you know the truth...I’m just not indulgent enough for you. Here I am among a generation of anti-health nuts. Creamy treats have to be extra creamy and come in seventy-five fucking flavors? Where does it end with you people? ICE CREAM??? What is so special about ICE CREAM? Compare our names. Go ahead, I have all night! [Pause.] Actually, you may need to hurry up...it’s kind of warm in here. [Pause.] Fine! Allow me... Ice is FROZEN WATER and Cream is a dairy product just like YOGURT! The only difference between us? I. Am. Healthier. There, I said it...Look it up doubters, Frozen Yogurt has less calories from fat than Ice Cream! That pretentious blowhard...I got iced coffee with him the other day, and all we talked about was his new flavors and about those pricks...[Scathing.] Ben and Jerry??? Real original! Is that all I need? Two guys with Jewish names to slap their name on the side of my cup? What is this, the Stiller family Ice Cream Company? [At this point a stage hand comes out and places a label on the side of FroYo’s cup] Thanks Frank. There! Hmmm? Boaz and Jonah brand Frozen Yogurt. T.M! Will you buy me now? Please.... [Breaks down, sobbing.] I don’t get it...what makes me so much less appealing? It’s appalling. I know what it is...you don’t like the fact that I contain live cultures. Bacteria! For the last time...IT’S NOT HARMFUL BACTERIA! Think of them as happy spaceships that fly around your intestines and make sure you don’t have painful shits!!! [Takes a moment to catch his breath.] Sorry... It’s just that I really want to have the same amount of respect as Ice Cream. I was talking with the Popsicles yesterday and they agree...Ice Cream is not the only treat that can be enjoyed after dinner or at a soccer banquet! [Long Pause. Then bitterly.] I hope you all get love handles...I don’t mean the cute ones that you can put your Ice Cream-licking fingers on when locking tongues with your health-hating spouses...NO! I mean disgusting, obscene waterfalls of flesh that you have to tuck into your Size46 pants just so you don’t trip on them. [Pause.] I’m sorry, I didn’t really mean that. How would you feel though? Having to always watch as the guy wearing the “I Heart America” t-shirt opens up the door to your freezer, slowly reaches toward you, gets one hand on your lid and then immediately pulls his hand back as if my carton said “BEWARE, PLAGUE!” It doesn’t say that. It says Frozen. Fucking. Yogurt...well not all of that...and as for the jackass who decided that Frozen Yogurt was too long to say...Fro Yo? You think that’s cute? Thanks a lot guy, you officially banished me to the seventh circle of Hell with that one...now only men named Richard Simmons and Perez Hilton are even remotely interested in me! It’s racist, that’s what it is! [At this point, the stage manager comes onto stage and picks up FroYo] Oh my. Could this be it? Yes! Yes! YES! Finally...I get my moment of glory! Soon all will know the splendour that is Fro Yo!!! [Stage manager takes out a spoon and sticks it in FroYo] JESUS CHRIST!! [Shrilly.] What the fuck are you doing?!?! That hurts you asshole! No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Put down the spoon! [Stage manager continues eating, blissfully unaware of the protests coming from the frozen treat in his hands.] I know you can hear me! Yeah, I’m tasty aren’t I?? Eat up! Wait...no, I didn’t mean that! [Stage manager tips cup back and scoops remaining FroYo into his mouth] Gaaaahhhhh!
Blackout